The Loquacious Limey

MTV’s Jersey Shore now owes us big bucks

[The Limey] – After nine endless, pain-riddled weeks MTV’s latest hype-driven insult, Jersey Shore has vacated our screens. But rather than give the public a few weeks of BS-free silence the ‘network’ is now leaking stories on how the ‘cast’ of this mindless farce are supposedly demanding more money to do it again.

The offer from their puppet-masters was $10,000 to sign on for next season, and $5,000 a show. But TMZ, says the mindless mouth-breathers who have infested our collective perception like an unwelcome mold are supposedly holding out for $10,000 a show.

MTV has a contractual hold on them for another year, so the cast do not even have the right to renegotiate – Thus proving this entire ’story’ is more brainless, self-serving hype served to a docile, enabling media by the patronising imbeciles who run MTV.

I say, screw the cast – Anyone whose life is so blighted as to have suffered the merest mention or vestige of this televisual abortion should receive compensation for enduring the unrelenting, cretinous, mind-rotting PR tricks MTV has used to promote it…

Photo by: Ceekay

Heidi Montag CD suffers withering sales

[The Limey] After three years of merciful peace, reality star Heidi Montag released her first album on an innocent world at the end of December. And in a characteristically understated display of unfounded ego she announced it was destined for gold.

Entitled ‘Superficial’ this tuneless, unwelcome dirge was supposed to be released in 2007, but got delayed as no sane label would touch it. Then it was due in July of 09 – but mercifully, that didn’t occur either.

Finally, on December 29th Heidi confirmed the album would be issued on the label run by her and her hamster-haired husband – Pratt Productions – and be available solely online.

Now the good news: In its first week of release, Nielsen says this miserable assemblage of atonal ramblings has sold less than 1,000 copies.

I’ll give you a moment to compose yourself.

To be exact, the true scale of her underwhelming achievement is just 658 downloads. Worldwide.

This should serve as a much-needed [and long overdue] dose of actual reality for the reality ’star,’ who claimed she used her own money and almost went broke creating the clearly unendurable insult. But her voices apparently told her she’d soon get it back;

“I put every dollar I have into this, ” she told Us. “I’ve spent almost $2 million. It’s cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album because I wanted it to be that quality…The songs will make an impact in pop history!”

The truth proved somewhat plainer – You need talent to be successful, and she has so far shown none.

Even assuming those numbers are right and this abysmal mistake took 3-years and $2-million, there are only two viable options – She’s either a) lying to get attention, or b) so utterly and irrevocably devoid of talent she was incapable of producing even a remotely musical sound, so they had to pay sound engineers to spend 2.9 years on AutoTune to make her sound human.

‘As ye sew, so shall ye reap,’ says the book. Ms. Montag reaped untalented failure. I hope, for all our sakes she can now take a hint…

Photo: BDHQ

Lindsay Lohan’s ‘fame’ continues to fade…

[The Limey] – On Monday every D-list starlet’s favorite outlet for self-serving stories, those ubiquitous ‘friends’ spoon-fed a laughably transparent tale to the down-market tabloids that Lindsay Lohan was engaging in ‘knife play’ and ‘cutting herself’ from despair.

The resulting attention then gave Ms. Lohan the chance to ‘graciously’ speak to the media directly, firmly denying she’d done any such thing.

Result? 3-4 days of cost-free, worldwide attention, without one iota of talent or work being required.

Replace Lohan with the ’star’ of your choice and you get the same result:

Day 1) ‘Leak’ a dumb story to the low-rent media
Day 2) Bathe in attention
Day 3) Release a statement denying dumb story
Day 4) Get more attention
Day 5) Make up another dumb story…

…Then just wash, rinse and repeat until your career is so fried they find you lifeless in the bathroom, surrounded by pills.

One day Lindsay will use the ‘knife play’ trick again [or something like it,] and get all the attention even an ego on her scale could wish for.

Posthumously.

Jay Leno regains Tonight Show…or does he?

[The Limey] That beacon of truth and incisive reporting, TMZ is running a story that NBC and Jay Leno have struck a deal which puts Jay firmly back on the throne he should never have left.

The Hollywood Reporter, meanwhile, says that story’s hokum and no deal has been reached.

So, who to believe?

The whole tiresome spat began over ratings, but if NBC could put something even remotely this interesting on their airwaves more often the two hosts would not have bad ratings in the first place!

What I want to know is, the way this fiasco is leading it looks like Leno gets his old job back, and Conan quits his – Yet the meddlesome mouth-breathers who caused the whole mess all get to keep theirs.

…What’s wrong with this picture?

Jay Leno returns to Tonight Show?

In a final, long-stalled admission of brain-strangling stupidity that will be coated with spin and presented as a triumph of creative thought, TMZ is reporting Jay Leno is now scheduled to take back his show.

Having been up-rooted from the Tonight Show in May – which he had made one of NBC’s few successes - reports are now floating the 59-year old host will be given a break from his primetime show during the Winter Olympics, then resurface in March – back at his old show.

“Jay Leno is one of the most compelling entertainers in the world today,” said NBC in a statement. “His show has performed exactly as we anticipated. It has, however, presented issues for our affiliates. Both Jay and the show are committed to working with them to improve the performance.”

The desk-bound intellectual midgets who uprooted Jay for no explicable reason other than a childish desire to break all their toys are now said to have met with both Jay and Conan O’Brien to discuss undoing their blunder, and while denying any firm decision has been made they did not refute TMZ’s reports that a change is in play.

Other than to cover their own asses and thus save their own jobs, the main motive for this overdue reboot is clearly the only other fact NBC ever cares about – The ratings are bad; Conan has been losing 2-million viewers a night to David Letterman, and to the NBC suits that’s a major red flag – Numbers like that might get them fired…at last.

Conversely, when Jay had the desk, Dave’s show was never more than a dot in the mirrors.

Assuming TMZ is correct [which has been known,] this means Jay will disappear in three weeks, be gone for a month, then return to a set from which he dominated the ratings for seventeen years. And the profit-driven pin-heads who caused this debacle will present their desperate reversal as creative success.

…Then they’ll go right back to wondering why no-one will watch…

[by: The Loquacious Limey.]

NBC’s Comcast deal could still spell the end

Today may be a very dark day in this history of this nation’s TV. The New York Times is reporting that nine months of coercing, cajoling and infeasible cash have persuaded General Electric to let Comcast buy NBC.

This potential downside of this deal is not far short of a nightmare – The people so underfunded with brains they moved Jay Leno from his throne on the Tonight Show to a deathwatch in prime-time have sold out to the people whose boss gave his girlfriend, Chelsea Handler a job, then expected the nation to call her a ’star.’

The deal, which will see Comcast pay $6.5-billion in cash and $7.25-billion in assets and debt values NBC at about $30 billion. The implications, however, value its dwindling audience and their remaining intelligence at a far lower rate.

In return for saving NBC’s over-staffed rear from inevitable Chapter 11, Comcast will get a 51% stake in NBC’s cable streams – USA, Bravo, SyFy, CNBC, Telemundo and MSNBC.

NBC itself, and even Universal Studios are regarded as ‘only a small portion’ of the network’s gross value, so says their release.

Jeff Zucker, the current head of NBC-Universal will remain as chief executive, but would be answerable to Comcast’s Chief Operating Officer, Stephen Burke. And Mr. Zucker, the chief architect of NBC’s deliberate down-market slide and the hemorrhaging ratings his choices then caused, calls the decision “the start of a new era” for NBC.

Presumably one in which they don’t make shows that would insult a plank and attract audiences that could get lost in a phone booth?

But it could have been worse – Comcast tried to inhale the Walt Disney Company in 2004, but thankfully failed. And the word is that even Rupert Murdoch had considered a bid.

Can you imagine?? NBC’s whole stable of channels corrupted to be as ultra-right wing and malfeasant as Fox?

NBC once held a proud place in this nation’s fabric, but its recent self-inflicted malaise has since faded that luster. Comcast’s new broom could be just what it needs, but as long as Jeff Zucker and the over-paid suits who both caused and presided over its recent illness are allowed to remain, the wounds will not heal – and nor will the ratings.

NBC’s sale may be over, but its illness lives on. It might not be fatal, but let’s watch and see…

Post by: The Limey. Photo by BoucherMedia

Adrien Brody to lead Predator reboot

In yet another unjustified reboot, Oscar winner Adrien Brody has now signed on for Fox’s latest horrendous mistake – the forthcoming remake of Predator.

The 36-year old New Yorker will now join Robert Rodriguez’ upcoming retread of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1987 jungle-based romp, which Rodriguez is now writing along with some friends.

‘That 70’s Show’s Topher Grace is also debating getting involved, and if the price gets worked out he’ll join Alice Braga, ‘The Shield’s Walt Goggins, Oleg Taktarov, the UFC star, and one of Rob’s favorite actors [and his second cousin,] Danny Trejo.

This time around – who knows how many more there will be?? – the story concerns a group of elite warriors who become unwilling prey to a swarm of alien trackers called Predators. Adrien is the leader, who has a strong rep as a hunter of men. Topher, meanwhile, plays a placid bean-counter, inside of whom lurks a serial killer. Braga – last seen in ‘I Am Legend’ – is a cold-hearted assassin, Goggins will play a radical type and Taktarov will be a Russian Special Ops expert.

And in what sounds like the most fun role of all, 64-year old Trejo will be a merciless warrior who roams the world with two loaded Uzis strapped on his back.

Shooting is penciled-in for Hawaii next month, with interiors, effects shots and green-screening booked to be done at Rodriguez’ ‘Troublemaker Studios’ in Texas. The finished movie is slated to bow on July 9th, 2010.

Photo by Mecredis

Emma Watson harassed at Harvard

Although admired by millions as Harry Potter’s indulgent accomplice, Hermione Grainger, Emma Watson endured some truly infantile admiration at the hands of people who should have more sense.

The NY Post reports that the 19-year old actress and Brown University freshman was harassed and insulted during a visit to Harvard on Tuesday to attend a football game. She was even protected by minders in case the Ivy League types had plans to get close.

In a day-long display of maturity that could make even Sponge Bob look cultured, members of Harvard’s college magazine, ‘Harvard Voice’ uploaded a blog post before the big game, making it clear they intended to stalk and harass Emma for no other reason than they thought it was fun. “We will be Live-Tweetin’ the game and possibly stalking Emma Watson, so keep your eyes peeled for that!” it read.

There followed a barely literate snowstorm of tweets in which they recorded this puerile pursuit, “Let’s go, Hermione! Lolz!!” said one. A later tweet proved the offenders were now at the game, “In enemy territory. Lookin’ for a certain witch,”

The magazine also posted a photo of Emma on its web site and bragged that their infantile stalking was a total success.

In welcome proof that at least some of Harvard’s alumni had experienced puberty, this sordid campaign of adolescent annoyance drew some scathing reviews, “There is a locatable cause of Ms. Watson’s experience…and a blameworthy party,” said one. “Anybody can do anything unfeeling to anybody in this day and age, especially if they feel entitled by membership in Harvard College.” read another review.

The Voice eventually posted an Editor’s note on their photo of Emma, clearly intended to both diffuse the results and deflect all the blame, “There seems to be much ado about nothing over this photo and live-blog. Understand that these live tweets were intentionally outrageous and overblown,” it explained.

You’ll notice they left out ‘childish,’ ’small-minded,’ ‘intellectually vacant,’ ‘moronic’ and least of all ‘dumb’!

Not surprisingly, the self-absorbed simpletons who publish ‘The Voice’ have refused any comment. Emma’s own university, Brown, is also declining to talk, and her reps clearly have orders to stay silent as well.

The poor girl’s trip was not even worth it – Brown lost to Harvard, 24-21.

Photo by Ursulakm

Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman stop the show

While tickets to the show are hotter than the banquet of neon which surrounds their own theater, it seems Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman are still attracting the usual dim-bulbs.

The BBC reports the two actors stopped a Broadway preview of the Keith Huff drama, ‘A Steady Rain’ in the midst of a scene because one audience member did not bother to silence their cellphone, and the ringing was audible right through the house.

Secretly-filmed footage, seen here, shows Hugh telling the offender to answer the call and thus give them some peace. “We can wait,” he assures them. “Don’t be embarrassed – just grab it.”

In the play, Australia-born Jackman [who'll be 41 on October 12,] and his co-star, Daniel Craig, 40, play childhood friends who grow up to be Chicago policemen and suffer traumatic life changes after a sequence of awful events.

And the two actors are by no means the first to endure such self-absorbed ignorance; Harry Potter star, Richard Griffiths made headlines in Britain in 2004 when he had an audience member literally thrown out of the National Theatre after their phone repeatedly interrupted Griffiths’ performance in ‘The History Boys.’

Luckily for the perpetrator of this unthinking insult, both Craig and Jackman remained entirely in character during the interruption, and the play continued once silence returned.

The show officially opens this week and runs at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre on West 45th street until December 6th.

Henry Gibson succumbs to Cancer at 73

Henry Gibson, whose diverse portrayals of the full spectrum of life from Nazis to poets delighted and endeared him to three generations, has died at his home in Malibu after a brief battle with cancer. He was 73.

Born James Bateman, on September 21, 1935 in Germantown, Pennsylvnia, Henry took his stage name from the Norwegian poet, Henrik Ibsen, because, as he once explained to a fan, “if you say his name with a Southern accent it sounds like Henry Gibson”

Like most of those born to act, Henry was a child prodigy, first taking the stage at the age of just six. As his career progressed, his natural talent soon got him noticed and he landed a small part in Paramount’s 1963 classic, ‘The Nutty Professor’ with the great Jerry Lewis.

Three years later fame truly arrived – Henry was cast as a rather hip poet in NBC’s ground-breaking sketch show, “Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In.” Each week he’d appear all alone, holding a book and a flower, and recite short, satirical poems – which he also wrote – that often had strongly political themes.

In 1975, Henry debuted the role that secured both his fame, and his first ‘Golden Globe’ nomination; He played the insincere country singer, Haven Hamilton, in Robert Altman’s music-themed movie, ‘Nashville.’

Five years later, the 5′3” acting maven gained a far wider, almost cult-inspired audience when he appeared as an unbalanced Nazi chasing two soul-singing deadbeats across the US, in the John Landis’-helmed classic ‘The Blues Brothers.’ If you’ve not yet seen it, you must!

Henry’s most recent appearance was as ‘Judge Clark Brown’ in over a dozen episodes of ABC’s ‘Boston Legal,’ plus an extended spell as the voice of Bob Jenkins in Mike Judge’s ‘King of the Hill.’

Throughout a varied career, covering more than 40 years and 130 separate appearances on both TV and in movies, Henry was supported by the love of his life, Lois Geiger, who herself died of cancer in 2007. They had three sons, Jon, Charles and James, who are all now successful in the field of production, so Henry’s passion and legacy are sure to live on.

A memorial service is pending. Donations can be made in his name to the Screen Actors Guild Foundation, and to ‘Friends of the Malibu Public Library.’

Partial Source: LA Times