The Loquacious Limey

Heidi Montag CD suffers withering sales

[The Limey] After three years of merciful peace, reality star Heidi Montag released her first album on an innocent world at the end of December. And in a characteristically understated display of unfounded ego she announced it was destined for gold.

Entitled ‘Superficial’ this tuneless, unwelcome dirge was supposed to be released in 2007, but got delayed as no sane label would touch it. Then it was due in July of 09 – but mercifully, that didn’t occur either.

Finally, on December 29th Heidi confirmed the album would be issued on the label run by her and her hamster-haired husband – Pratt Productions – and be available solely online.

Now the good news: In its first week of release, Nielsen says this miserable assemblage of atonal ramblings has sold less than 1,000 copies.

I’ll give you a moment to compose yourself.

To be exact, the true scale of her underwhelming achievement is just 658 downloads. Worldwide.

This should serve as a much-needed [and long overdue] dose of actual reality for the reality ’star,’ who claimed she used her own money and almost went broke creating the clearly unendurable insult. But her voices apparently told her she’d soon get it back;

“I put every dollar I have into this, ” she told Us. “I’ve spent almost $2 million. It’s cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album because I wanted it to be that quality…The songs will make an impact in pop history!”

The truth proved somewhat plainer – You need talent to be successful, and she has so far shown none.

Even assuming those numbers are right and this abysmal mistake took 3-years and $2-million, there are only two viable options – She’s either a) lying to get attention, or b) so utterly and irrevocably devoid of talent she was incapable of producing even a remotely musical sound, so they had to pay sound engineers to spend 2.9 years on AutoTune to make her sound human.

‘As ye sew, so shall ye reap,’ says the book. Ms. Montag reaped untalented failure. I hope, for all our sakes she can now take a hint…

Photo: BDHQ