The Loquacious Limey » soap

Pamela Anderson may return in Baywatch redux

thelimey — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 20:03:08 +0000

Twenty years after it first left a tide-mark on America’s screens, Paramount have announced plans to produce a big-screen remake of that waterlogged soap known as ‘Baywatch.’

When NBC debuted the show in September ‘98 the public reaction was so universally bad, it was canceled after only one season. But like all monsters, it came back to life and did ten more years in worldwide syndication, airing in a record 148 separate countries.

This time the plot is quite new.

Paramount paid seven-figures [!?!] for the rights in 2005 and wanted a serious remake. But all that is gone. Their new plan was to hire 33-year old writer / director Jeremy Garelick [who has never seen the show] to redo the script, direct the movie and make Baywatch his own. “It felt like the template to do a movie similar to ‘Stripes’ and ‘Police Academy,’ the comedies I loved growing up,” Garelick told the Variety bods

The result is a script in which two unlikely lifeguards try to fit in among the lightly-tanned torsos on an as-yet unchosen California beach. The suits at Paramount loved the new plan – and now Baywatch as slapstick is in pre-production.

To give you a clue how bad this thing was, the original series, best known for the debut of Pamela Anderson, whose impossible figure had women worldwide scouring liporexall reviews, holds an unenviable record as the longest-running show in US-network history to never win a single Emmy.

None of the show’s cast will star in the movie, but David Hasselhoff and Pamela may make cameo nods.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

Pamela Anderson may return in Baywatch redux

Guiding Light finally flickers and dies

thelimey — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 20:58:23 +0000

After a lot of debate and months of concerned speculation among its still numerous fans, CBS has just announced that ‘Guiding Light‘ will be put out for good on September 17.

According to The Guinness Book of World Records, ‘Light’ debuted on NBC Radio on January 25th, 1937, then moved to CBS Television in 1952. Created and sponsored by the soap manufacturers, Procter and Gamble [whose connection gave the genre its name,] it is now the longest-running continually-produced television show in the nation’s history.

I’ve never been a fan of the genre myself, but anything that causes unemployed Actors is poison to me. And the show gives a large swathe of people – last measured at 2.1-million – some well-loved and harmless enjoyment, so its undeserved closure after 72-years is also a slight and a very sad loss to those loyal viewers.

Apparently CBS has plans to replace Guiding Light with an updated version of The Pyramid Game – which was last on the air in 1988. So their brilliant idea is to cancel a show that’s followed and loved by 2-million people and replace it with one so vastly unpopular, they already canceled it once!

Photo by Tony

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

Guiding Light finally flickers and dies

Shake, Rattle and…Roll ‘em!

thelimey — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:11:00 +0000

Tuesday’s earthquake only lasted about 15 seconds – and I must confess to being somewhat dismayed that none of its Earth shuffling influence made it up here — but it apparently caused some major discomfort in parts further south…

The “Big Brother” crew, located in Studio City, were close to the epicenter and the cast were seen scrambling for cover when the shaking started. The whole house is actually built on a sound-stage — so it’s almost as fake as some of the inmates boobs?? — and as those inside are forbidden any form of outside contact the Producers were reduced to telling them what was happening by yelling the news at them through Bull-horns.

…You couldn’t make this stuff up??

Many of the cast are not even from California, so this was the first time they’d experienced a real, live quake. That perky Viewer’s favorite, Holly was caught on a sun-bed in only her undies when the fun started. I only wish I could be sure this proved the intellectual pygmies responsible for the show had defined a brave new policy to make people watch…but I doubt they possess the intuitive skills.

But the cameras never stopped. The show is streamed live online 24/7, so the cast had to return to ‘work’ as soon as the world calmed down. If they could only equal in relevance what they displayed in commitment, more people might find a reason to care.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

Shake, Rattle and…Roll ‘em!

WGA – Day II…Already it’s a Sequel!

thelimey — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 03:28:00 +0000

It seems the Writers strike is already bearing some fruit. First, the Producers are getting worried [That's good.] Second, some of the most mediocre examples of the television medium will fade to re-runs as their scripts disappear. ‘Desperate Housewives,” “Back to You,” “‘Til Death,” “Two and a Half Men,” “Old Christine,” and others will all be put on ‘pause’ for the duration of the strike; So we could be free of them for as much as 22-weeks. Oh, joy, Oh, happy day!

As you know, I’m entirely in support of the Writers, but to be rid of those shows for a protracted period and know these deeply under-valued people don’t have to write them for a while is double the delight.

Meanwhile, “Dancing With the Stars,” which for reasons that are an implacable mystery to me, does staggeringly well in the ratings, was shot on schedule, but the Hosts were forced to ad-lib…So let me get this straight; People who claim to be talented and creative had to watch another group of people do a dance routine they’d already seen numerous times at rehearsals…and come up with their own opinion.

Oh, the humanity?!

Shooting for “Housewives” will end tomorrow as they’re already out of scripts. Shows already in the can won’t even last to Christmas, and attempts by the media to discover how ABC plans to placate the legions of ‘Housewives’ fans were referred to the company making the show.

So the Networks are not only pulling a whole list of shows early to bait the the viewers into hating the Writers, they’re even passing the buck when Reporters try to find out what those viewers can expect to endure next??

And this from the group who claim they ‘made every good faith effort to negotiate a deal.’ Do you suppose their fingers were crossed when they said that?

It gets worse; Tricky though the situation might be for anyone seeking televisual fare possessed of more creativity than a test pattern, the long-term implications almost chill the blood; Once the Writers win,…and they must…whatever deal they achieve is almost certain to be used as the game-plan by Actors and Directors when their contracts expire next June.

Think of it — the Writers might only just be back at work, and the Actors could lose faith in the same bosses and walk out…And this could start all over again.

It’s times like these I wish I had shares in Netflix.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

WGA – Day II…Already it’s a Sequel!

WGA – All The Way !…

thelimey — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 22:08:00 +0000

Well, it’s official; The Writers will go on strike from early Monday after their negotiators recommended a walkout over royalties. A move that could shutter late-night TV shows immediately. The WGA vote was unanimous and the strike starts from 12:01 a.m. PT on Monday.

The walkout will be the first in 20 years. The last one was in 1988 and estimates say the five-month stoppage cost the industry half-a-billion dollars. So you’d think the bosses would be slightly less keen on causing a re-run??

The Writers seem united behind their leaders and while the door is open for further talks, any such event is looking very unlikely. The biggest problem is DVD sales; Under the current royalties system – negotiated in 1988 when DVD was in its infancy – a Writer gets about 3 cents for every $20 VHS or DVD sold. With DVD now the de-facto standard, they think they should get a fairer share for what is ultimately their work, while the Producers seem convinced the entire pie should belong to them.

The Writers also want a share of the income produced by shows being deployed on new media like cellphones and online-streaming sites. The bosses say all that’s too new to know if it’s profitable so they’ll bravely absorb all the income themselves, and the Writers can share in the proceeds later on.

As you can imagine, that idea was a big hit ??

It’s taken both sides three and a half months to get this far. The Writers say the strike is entirely the Producers fault, while the Producers say….Well, can you guess??

If this actually happens, late-night talkers like David Letterman, Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien will vanish almost at once; Or at least fade to re-runs. Most Soaps have enough stock to last for about a month, and your favorite prime-time drama should keep going until about Oscar night before it hits the buffers. With their best doom-laden voice, the Networks tell us they would be ‘forced’ to play nothing but reruns, news shows and Reality series to fill in the gaps.

…But isn’t that 99% of their output already?!…How will we know the difference??

As I see it, this is a case of the bosses trying to eat all the pie and only being willing to let the talented people who created it share in the merest crumbs…when it suits them. I’m 110% behind the Writers.

Who’s with me?

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

WGA – All The Way !…

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thelimey — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 21:40:33 +0000

As you might expect, a significant topic among those so blessed as to be allowed to pursue this reckless profession is the ever-growing prospect of a Writers strike. On Friday the evidence became almost unavoidable that the AMPTP’s collective cerebral prowess had determined the best strategy is to stall until the last possible minute, then make a low-ball offer in an entirely self-serving attempt to split the Writers into warring factions, who would thus [so the theory goes] be utterly incapable of anything other than fawning acquiescence.

It should come as little surprise this is basically what the Networks’ are expecting. Their current offer would impose a working environment even more exploitative and devoid of true recognition than that which the Writers currently endure. Yet they find it utterly inexplicable why it can’t be accepted??

For their side, the WGA’s leaders are faced with an unenviable quandary; Option one is to accept a contract that re-casts their members as little more than indentured servants, while the only viable alternative is to withdraw the labor that’s so clearly undervalued and thereby cause significant debilitation to an industry that engendered the boundless degree of love and respect that compelled them to join it in the first place.

Make no mistake; The vast majority of what appears on TV is the result of a collective talent far beyond the Actor/s who so ‘helpfully’ take all the credit. If the WGA does down-tools the immediate fall-out would be small, but the cumulative results could be nothing less than horrific. The Networks have enough shows in the can to last until Christmas. In some cases it could be March before the Cupboard is finally bare. After that, the wheels will come off their wagons at dizzying speeds. Scripted shows could become extinct overnight. Most ‘Reality’ shows would also be stalled. Even the Oscars would finally require its presenters to possess sufficient cranial fortitude to form coherent sentences, rather than merely channeling those penned by others and claiming the applause.

Through it all, of course, the Networks will steer a predictable course; They will helpfully explain to the public – mostly through media they own or control – that they are offering all that is humanly possible, and that it is, in fact, the Writers, the Unions and everyone short of Peppermint Patty whose wanton greed and intransigence has caused the entire debacle.

One remedy for this oncoming, and entirely self-inflicted wound is so glaringly simple, even a Network Manager could discern it; A typical scripted show has one or two Writers, but as many as twelve Producers. Yet none of these shows could exist without someone ‘producing’ a script; Solution? Re-cast a Writer as a Producer and the entire disarray could be resolved overnight. At no extra cost.

This would not only give the Writers a level of fiscal reward that is both thoroughly warranted and long-overdue, it could also be the first time anyone tagged with the vastly devalued appellation of ‘Producer’ ever did any actual work! I therefore look forward to the plan’s introduction. But if no-one minds, I won’t hold my breath.

The talks are ongoing. From midnight on Wednesday, we’ll know.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

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These Guys Aren’t Monkeys!

thelimey — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 19:05:00 +0000

As you might have heard, the talks between Hollywood Writers and Studios should resume tomorrow after a hasty adjournment for the weekend. And things are not looking good. The WGA has been talking to the studios since July, with studios represented by the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers. The talks broke down on Friday and no new meetings are scheduled until Tuesday at least.As is usual with the creative type, each side is blaming the other for a lack of progress that could doom the rest of us to the blood-curdling prospect of yet more re-runs, after we already endured the Networks’ perennial cop-out of warmed-over mediocrity once.

The existing Writers’ contract expires on October 31. [Halloween – feel the irony,] and the Studios’ collective response to the risks of looming indolence has been to accelerate filming of shows and movies, and build up a backlog of scripts in case the strike becomes reality. The last strike in 1988 lasted five months and cost the studios almost half-a-billion dollars! So it’s pretty safe to guess none of them are too thrilled at the prospect of a re-run of that!

The biggest problems so far are the Studios’ desire to delay paying residuals for TV or movie projects until the Producers recover their costs. And the Guild is asking for payments on profits made from DVD sales to be doubled, and for union pay and benefits to go to Writers working in ‘Reality’ and basic cable shows. As if that wasn’t enough fun, there’s the brave new frontier of online streams and portable devices, and who gets paid what for product on those formats.

The Studios are claiming they need ‘time to determine which models of digital distribution are likely to be profitable.’ Which is clearly untrue – If there’s one trait that is certainly not required to be a Producer, it’s fealty. If something isn’t turning a buck, they’d drop it in a blink. Time is not the problem – Avarice is.

The MPA’s reps claim that those negotiating for the Writers are determined to strike. In response, the Writer’s reps point out that their clients are the core of the whole Entertainment process, and that even the brain-rotting cash-cow known as ‘Reality TV’ couldn’t exist without them…so they should get a decent share of the pie.

And you have to admit they have a point; When your very industry is grounded on a widespread public appetite for the predetermined actions of its stars, and your own creative attributes are so inadequate you’re unable to even produce Reality shows – rightly regarded as the most nauseating incarnation of the televisual experience in recorded history – without a flock of writers to predetermine its course, pleading poverty and playing for time is facile and insulting.

And let’s not ignore the lessons of history; Studios are trying to hold onto the residuals until every show or movie turns a profit. Examples of the jaw-dropping scale of self-serving BS this desire represents are legion, but one would be ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding.’ Made for just under $5m, it’s grossed over $820m in box office and DVD sales. And the figure is still climbing. Yet the Studio still says it has yet to break even??

The lesson for the bosses is clear: Unless you harbor a maladjusted desire for the wistful days of the silent era, Writers need to be paid. Fairly. If you don’t pay, they don’t work; If they don’t work, you do re-runs; No-one’s going to sit through all those nice, profitable commercials in shows they’ve already seen. And when the profits inevitably fall, it won’t be the Writers who get the axe.

You hired the talent, and you can’t move without them. So pay the bill, or clear your desk.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

These Guys Aren’t Monkeys!

These Guys Aren’ t Monkeys!

thelimey — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 19:05:00 +0000

As is usual with the creative type, each side is blaming the other for a lack of progress that could doom the rest of us to the blood-curdling prospect of yet more re-runs, after we already endured the Networks’ perennial cop-out of warmed-over mediocrity once.

You hired the talent, and you can’t move without them. So pay the bill, or clear your desk.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

These Guys Aren’ t Monkeys!

On Hiatus

thelimey — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 18:32:00 +0000

Unless you’re [quite understandably] hiding in a cave you may have heard that a worthless, talentless, ungrateful, coke-snorting has-been with whose name I would never sully these pages got rightfully arrested yesterday for 1st-degree stupidity and terminal ignorance?

Now the patronizing PR machine that has kept this onanistic narcissist in the public consciousness is in full flow, desperately trying to shift the blame for the entire fatuous debacle onto every sentient life-form in existence…Except her. All the wire services are flooded with every spoon-fed, gag-inducing detail of this pathetic charade; As a result there is not a single item of worthwhile news to report today, so for the sake of my sanity – and yours – I’m taking a break.

Come back tomorrow. Hopefully at least one news source will have regained a tenuous grasp on the basic precepts of engaging, intelligent discourse by then.

But don’t hold your breath.

Apparently, Oscar was right?

thelimey — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 18:27:00 +0000

Oscar Wilde once said, “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” And this view is reinforced in a sickening trend that’s developing in the media, of which both those who perpetrate it, and those in the media who enable it should be ashamed: Negative Hype.

Not long ago, performers would be rightly mentioned in the media because of their obvious talents. Today, most ‘celebrities’ can barely form coherent sentences so the new ploy seems to be to create a negative incident then hype it incessantly, thereby gaining visibility and coverage for a ’star’ too inept, worthless and untalented to achieve it on their own. A few current examples:

1. Clay Aiken.
The hamster-haired, former American Idol participant was [allegedly] involved in an airplane disturbance with a fellow passenger while en route to Tulsa International Airport. The female passenger has not claimed harassment, is never seen on TV, and is not [currently] suing.

…Yet, mysteriously, the story won’t die??

Could it be that Mr, Aiken’s ‘people’ are pushing this to regain visibility for a talent the nation has practically, and quite rightly forgotten? Could it be this ‘passenger’ was actually a plant? Perish the thought!…Or should we?

And while we’re on the subject, ‘Tulsa International Airport’? That’s a joke, right? You can’t get anywhere from Tulsa International Airport??…Not even to Tulsa!

2/ Miss New Jersey.
An untalented Barbie doll whose name I couldn’t be induced to remember if I were subjected to mind-altering drugs claims she’s doing nothing illegal in photos held by someone allegedly trying to blackmail her into giving up her crown.

The solution is so blindingly simple, even a a professional narcissist could grasp it: Publish them yourself and you cut the ‘blackmailer’ off at the knees. Fail to do so and you’re lying for the attention.

3/ The Apprentice.
As you all know, I detest the entire ‘Reality’ genre with a passion that defies measurement. When half your contestants are Actors, every word is scripted and the repugnant result is merely an endless swarm of product placements designed to exploit the viewers and enrich the Producers, you have very little claim to ‘reality.’ And this show was one of the most repulsive examples.

My guess is the ratings were collapsing so a patronizing solution was concocted: Step 1: Announce an acrimonious ‘cancellation’. Step 2: Bathe in the attention for a few weeks. Step 3: Announce that due to ‘huge public demand’ [which there wasn't,] the show has been ‘miraculously’ saved [which was always the plan].

Result? The ratings revive and you get to place more products and make more money…All without the tiresome inconvenience of forming a new idea.

And there are more examples of this manipulation than anyone should be induced to imagine. Which only serves to add more urgency to a simple question:

Given that the objective is to get attention, when will these sad egocentrics ever realize they’d have more success by treating us as intelligent adults?

This has to be a joke??

thelimey — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 03:40:00 +0000

Hot, or at least luke-warm, on the designer heels of Ms. Jolie’s repulsive efforts to neuter the very press on which her entire notoriety was built and depends comes news that the faded, lip-syncher Victoria Beckham is doing the same thing.

Anyone misguided enough to want to experience monosyllabic discourse with this C-List egocentric is now required to sign a form stating they will only ask questions relevant to the fact that she’s grown so desperate for attention [and money] that she’s turned her relationship with a past-the-prime soccer player and their greed-fuelled relocation to the US into another tawdry example of that ubiquitous temple of the faded, a Reality show.

What, may I ask, is wrong with these people?? The desire to achieve celebrity has many motivating factors, and, distasteful though it might be to discuss or admit, one of the most potent is the desire to be the focus of widespread attention. It is the fortune of very few to ever achieve this goal and the pages of history are spattered with heart-breaking tales of those we lost on the trip. You might therefore expect anyone who achieves that rare privilege to display some degree of appreciation for the visibility and interest they deliberately worked to create?

Apparently, you’d be delusional. The merest sliver of such behavior is now only an option.

Whether this new incident is genetic stupidity, or narcissistic plagiarism is hard to fathom. But my advice to both is simple enough to be comprehensible, even to those so intellectually stunted as to have condoned the production of these lamentable displays of egocentric hubris:

Should you ever truly achieve the separation from the media you now adamantly claim is your desire, both your ego and the superficial career you exploited them to create would collapse in the vacuum. Your simplest recourse is to quit. There are 5,000 performers in L.A. alone who could replace you tomorrow and leave both the media and their audiences open-mouthed in delight. And they would both deserve and be grateful for the attention.

Your options are simple, Ladies. Recant or Resign. We dare you to pick one.

Fair and Balanced? If only it could be…

thelimey — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 18:09:00 +0000

Paris has been released from jail! Paris has been released from jail! Paris has been released from jail! Paris has been released from jail! Paris has been released from jail!…

In other news today,..
In Iraq, a suicide bomber has killed 17 people and critically wounded 70 more
At least 200 people have died in torrential rains in India. Now a cyclone is approaching.
Over 1,000 people are at severe risk of losing their homes in a wildfire near Lake Tahoe.
The W.H.O. says a new, drug-resistant strain of TB could kill over 130,000 people this year.
A new report says 54-million Americans are too poor to afford even basic health insurance.

And now back to our top story...
Paris has been released from jail! Paris has been released from jail! Paris has been released from jail! Paris has been released from jail! Paris has been released from jail!…

[In case anyone has the slightest doubt, yes, this is satire]