In what has to rank among the most over-rated, over-hyped and utterly meaningless events in all of human history, People magazine have posted their oh-so precious pics of the new Brangelina product online.

…I’m so excited, I can hardly stay awake.

The magazine allegedly paid $14-million for the pictures, which can be found in the issue that hits the news-stands today….and on practically every other celebrity-schmoozing site you care to name.

So what does this prove?

1) That one of the most radiantly desirable women on Earth is capable of unaided conception…[Well, duh?!]
2) That babies and all stages of life that follow [until puberty, of course] are still the most potent [and over-used] tools for invigorating a stagnant career.
3) That a worrying number of people [especially the six who actually read "People"] are idiots and would get excited over pictures of paint drying if a ‘celebrity’ once touched the brush.

The country’s in a slump, thousands of hard-working people are losing their jobs and we’re being suffocated by a political campaign whose leaders seem determined to drag it out until at least the next ice age…yet we’re all supposed to be transfixed by two cute infants whose combined parental net-worth will ensure such matters are as irrelevant to them as they seem to be to the media at large.

Somebody, somewhere has their priorities mis-filed.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

Is This Really That Important ?

The “Big Brother” crew, located in Studio City, were close to the epicenter and the cast were seen scrambling for cover when the shaking started. The whole house is actually built on a sound-stage — so it’s almost as fake as some of the inmates boobs?? — and as those inside are forbidden any form of outside contact the Producers were reduced to telling them what was happening by yelling the news at them through Bull-horns.

…You couldn’t make this stuff up??

Many of the cast are not even from California, so this was the first time they’d experienced a real, live quake. That perky Viewer’s favorite, Holly was caught on a sun-bed in only her undies when the fun started. I only wish I could be sure this proved the intellectual pygmies responsible for the show had defined a brave new policy to make people watch…but I doubt they possess the intuitive skills.

But the cameras never stopped. The show is streamed live online 24/7, so the cast had to return to ‘work’ as soon as the world calmed down. If they could only equal in relevance what they displayed in commitment, more people might find a reason to care.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

Shake, Rattle and…Roll ‘em!

With a resumé that includes returning such sumptuous fare as Lawrence of Arabia, Spartacus and My Fair Lady to levels of pristine perfection even their Directors would never have believed possible, it’s clear this momentous duty is in very capable hands. The Godfather, [as Tom says in "You've Got Mail,"] is the I-Ching. It’s among the most universally admired and quoted movies in history, and to entrust its rebirth to anyone even remotely less qualified would have been nothing less than barbarism.

Mr. Harris has been forbidden to discuss the work, which has engaged the skills and patience of more than a dozen people, but the first official press release about the project will be released on Monday and the DVD and Blu-Ray editions are slated to be available by late September.

I don’t know how you folks feel about the news of this well deserved renaissance but I’ve got a Blockbuster nearby, my sleeping bag’s ready and I’m counting the days — You bring the Canole.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

The Line Forms Behind Me…

Anyone at whose disposal the modern fashion industry has placed a dizzying array of harmless alternatives who then proves themselves so intellectually impeded as to believe it is either acceptable or necessary to murder an animal so they can use its fur to bolster their own withered self-image should be remanded into the care of a trained professional and ostracized from every facet of polite society until the day the sun turns dark. An intelligent being who abuses animals to proclaim their own beauty is clearly neither intelligent, nor beautiful. This being the case, those at whom the protest was aimed would probably lack the basic intellectual dexterity to even read the banners…so their effect was doubtlessly, and rather sadly diluted.

For those few semi-evolved members of the target demo who even attempted such comparative complexity, the text at the bottom of this Gentleman’s poster invited passers-by to play an online game and dress “Hairy-Kate and Trashley Trollsen” in suitably risible, and repugnant attire. As you, dear reader, are no doubt disinclined to indulge in such narcissistic slaughter yourself I invite you to experience the game’s curious couture. It’s actually quite fun…and thoroughly deserved.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

Publicity Stunt or Innate Stupidity – Your call ?…

Now the WGA’s dispute, plus an increasingly likely walkout by Writers at CBS News is even starting to affect the Presidential campaign: Senator John Edwards was due to appear on that menopausal melange popularly known as ‘The View,’ but he canceled as he was unwilling to cross the lines at ABC’s studios. Senators Clinton and Obama are also making it clear they’d be a no-show at CBS’s Presidential debate if the Writers at CBS News are forced to follow WGA members into picket line limbo.

“These workers are making a simple request for their fair share of the huge profits being made by multinational media corporations,” said Senator Edwards. “Until those settlements are reached, I will stand firmly with them in their fight for a better life.” he was quoted as saying.

I knew there was a reason I liked this guy!

The Writers at CBS News have been working for pitiful rates, without any formal contract for almost three years and Senator Clinton has said she’ll honor the picket line if they needed to strike. Senator Obama has declared a similar stance. The suits at CBS must be almost incandescent with frustration??

There are two possible outcomes from the Candidates decisions; 1) Now their future President has called them on it, those in charge at CBS and the other Nets could finally gain at least the vaguest outline of a clue and resume negotiations…or 2) The unexpected slight and implied derision from those who favor the Donkey will cause the bosses donations to the GOP to quadruple overnight.

One of these outcomes will be a good thing….You decide.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

Hail to the [future] Chief !

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

No Blog on Tuesday…

Currently in that annoying cop-out known as “Beta,” and originally scheduled to open last month, the new video service lets you download NBC shows direct to your PC [No, not Mac...Or Linux!] which must then be viewed in a special [crippled] player.

First you’ll need IE 6. Then you have to get the MSN bloat-fest known as “.NET.” After that, you are obliged to install a “Security update”….then you can finally watch the show! If you’re quick.

You are dumb enough to do all that, right? Good — that’s what NBC was hoping.

So in the middle of a bitter dispute where the WGA is looking for fair – and long overdue – compensation from the digital domain [which the studios claim they can't afford] NBC opens a download service to make even more money.

Let’s go over the exciting features, in case you missed one…

• Only works in the US
• Only works with IE6 or above
• Demands the presence of the “.NET” extension — 25Mb+ of pure bloat
• The shows only last 48-hours once they’re downloaded
• Every show contains advertising — And you can’t skip it
• Every show is infested with DRM !

…Let me know when I get to an attractive one??

I can hear you all jumping up and down with utter indifference; And I don’t blame you a bit! So do your brain a favor and support the WGA — There’s a boycott of all download services from the Networks, and this has to be the worst of them all. Use iTunes, or slip into an eye-patch and download some Torrents — You couldn’t possibly do worse than this insult.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

NBC gives WGA a new offer – The finger!

The picket lines on the East Coast are rapidly becoming clogged and in dire need of red carpets as a positive barrage of celebs arrive to….er, ‘show their support.’ In the last four days, Time Warner’s offices in NYC have played host to such luminaries as Tim Robbins, the cast of Law & Order and SNL, Meg Ryan, David Hyde Pierce and many others. Here on the Western front we’ve savored the presence of Ms. Patricia Heaton, Ray Romano, several of the troupe from Betty, members of the staff at General Hospital and a cast of….well, dozens!

Far be it from me to suggest the motivation for such overt validation of the Writers equitable cause might just be the intense media interest and the proximity of dozens of cameras and reporters, all eager to bestow your merest utterance upon the waiting world; Nor would I dream of implying this ardent desire to visit the trenches might have anything to do with cleansing one’s karma by feigning solidarity with a group who earn less in a year than you do in a day, yet work 100-times harder.

But remember, these are Actors – they’re [over]paid to do things that aren’t real. A few are even good at it!

There was also the predictable appearance by a black Minister from the South. But the less said about that disingenuous, narcissistic attention-whore, the better.

On a positive note, several Actors have shown selfless support for those on the lines – ER’s John Stamos told reporters that several members of the show’s cast will help their Writers cover car and mortgage payments. John Stewart has also made it known he’ll be helping the Writers from his own resources while they can’t work. That is the kind of support they deserve, not the self-serving opportunism that’s clearly motivating so many of their new ‘friends.’

The Writers’ cause is fair and just, but the stupidity and greed of their opponents compelled them to extreme action and may yet be the cause of even greater hardship before settlement is even considered. The Networks’ contract with the DGA expires in June and whatever deal is made now will be used as a guide in those discussions; If the Networks attempt the same intransigence with the Directors, the whole industry could grind to a halt. They need to realize they’ve had it far too good for far too long, and it’s time to pay the bill.

The Writers deserve decent pay and a fair resolution, and the option to ignore that is fast running out.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

WGA – Day 5. TGIF !!

Members of the Western arm of the WGA whose unproduced scripts were shopped or bought by a Studio now have until tomorrow [Friday] to give those scripts to the Union for their ‘Script Validation’ program. This is an attempt to keep track of possible rogue writers, and trace any work that might break the strike.

As one might expect, the AMPTP is handling this news with all the restrained dignity of a grenade with the pin missing…In short, they’re having a super-annuated cow!

Their response so far has been a positive blizzard of ‘Cease and Desist” orders, trying to get the scripts into their ‘safe keeping.’ The Union has used the validation program before to ensure the members don’t do scab work for Studios, but there’s little they can do to force a Writer to comply.

The WGA-West required its members to file all unused scripts within four days of the strike starting. The WGA”s eastern office is requiring the same thing, but they haven’t set a deadline yet.

The AMPTP’s reps fired off some very terse letters, demanding an immediate cease and desist on the script-validation program. The WGA are planning to ignore the demands. So the AMPTP sent doom-laden letters direct to WGA members, threatening everything short of eternal damnation if scripts written under contract were not immediately surrendered to them. The Guild promptly filed a complaint about this intimidation with the Labor Relations Board, and it was stopped. But what will take its place is a very good question.

Hundreds of scripts have already been delivered to the WGA’s offices. The results of this ‘defiance’ have yet to appear, but you can bet the AMPTP are already employing every available grain of guile and cunning to sink the strike so no-one but them gets a decent, living wage.

In 2006, an average Writer earned $200-300k. Leslie Moonves [the boss of CBS] earned $28 million. You do the math!

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

Day 4 – The Knives Come Out…

“I stand with the Writers,” he said in a statement. “The Guild’s demand is a test of whether media corporations are going to give Writers a fair share of the wealth their work creates or continue concentrating profits in the hands of their Executives. I urge the Producers to work with the Writers so that everyone can get back to work.”

Not being a US Citizen I’m forbidden to vote here, but if that’s truly anything more than empty words and political opportunism it would be very persuasive.

The strike is on, the pickets are out and the first blood is already visible – all the late-night talk shows will be re-runs tonight. It can only get worse from here. But I can almost guarantee you one thing — Someone, somewhere is mulling the idea of making this into a Reality show.

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

WGA – Day One…

Well, it’s official; The Writers will go on strike from early Monday after their negotiators recommended a walkout over royalties. A move that could shutter late-night TV shows immediately. The WGA vote was unanimous and the strike starts from 12:01 a.m. PT on Monday.

The walkout will be the first in 20 years. The last one was in 1988 and estimates say the five-month stoppage cost the industry half-a-billion dollars. So you’d think the bosses would be slightly less keen on causing a re-run??

The Writers seem united behind their leaders and while the door is open for further talks, any such event is looking very unlikely. The biggest problem is DVD sales – Under the current royalties system, negotiated in 1988 when DVD was in its infancy, a Writer gets about 3 cents for every $20 VHS or DVD sold. With DVD now the de-facto standard they think they should get a fairer share for what is ultimately their work, while the Producers seem convinced the entire pie should belong to them.

The Writers also want a share of the income produced by shows being deployed on new media like cellphones and online streams. The bosses say that’s all too new to know if it’s profitable so they’ll bravely absorb all the income themselves, and the Writers can share the proceeds later on.

As you can imagine, that idea was a big hit ??

It’s taken both sides three and a half months to get this far. The Writers say the strike is the Producers fault, while the Producers say….Well, can you guess??

If the strike actually happens, late-night talkers like David Letterman, Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien will vanish almost at once; Or at least fade to re-runs. Most Soaps have enough stock to last for about a month, and your favorite prime-time drama should keep going until about Oscar night before it hits the buffers. With their best doom-laden voice, the Networks tell us they would be ‘forced’ to play nothing but reruns, news shows and Reality series to fill in the gaps.

…But isn’t that 99% of their output already?! How will we know the difference??

As I see it, this is a case of the bosses trying to eat all the pie and only being willing to let those talented people who created it share in the merest crumbs. I’m 110% behind the Writers.

Who’s with me?

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

WGA – All the Way!…

The Super Bowl attracts what is arguably the largest single collection of attentive eyeballs on the planet, a vast swathe of which are owned by people 18-49 – the advertiser’s gold-mine! So the size of this demand is barely a surprise. The staggering scale of their audience also makes these ads the focus of some of Madison Avenue’s most intense and artistic efforts. For many people, the results are the major, if not the only reason to watch the game at all! I know, I’m one of them — if I lived to be 200 I’d never understand American Football.

Most of the commercials seem destined to be for cars, movies and fast food; Which is a shame as the smaller advertisers often bring the most memorable ads. And with so much demand so early, Fox could now demand almost usury rates for the few vacant spots – which shrinks the smaller guy’s odds even further. And that’s just depressing.

“Faux News” have also offered buyers the option to run ads on their social hub, ‘MySpace.’ The Network will then run promotions during the game, telling the viewers [who, in case anyone cares, would rather be watching the sport !] to visit the site, where they can snag extras like coupons, links and the chance to watch exclusive trailers.

It might be that my view is outdated, but commercials were invented as a way to bring the shows to the viewer without cost. Today, as this ‘Bowl-buying’ frenzy further proves, the mind-set seems to be that the shows are there to bring viewers to the ads. If you give your audience mediocre programs, infested with endless [highly profitable] commercials, don’t be surprised if your ratings collapse. And, as a glance at the Nielsen’s will tell you, that’s exactly what’s happened.

One day…maybe…they’ll catch on.

The ads are sold. Now comes the hype. Kick-off is February 3rd. Start warming up!…

Text © 2009, The Loquacious Limey
All rights reserved.

$90,000 a second…It’s the $$uper Bowl !…